Nobody wants to be labeled as a wine snob. Most wine blogs attempt to be anti-snob, this one included, but in the end anyone with good knowledge of wine is seen as a wine snob by anyone who knows nothing about wine, and this is a fact we have to live with.
As I was sipping on a Chignin Bergeron out of my Riedel glass (which costs more than a case of Two Buck Chuck) while listening to a collection of splendid Austrian composers, one of my non-wine friends (why I have any, I don’t know) sent me a link to this David Sedaris article in The New Yorker. Sedaris writes, “It is here that I’ll identify myself as a Kool Mild smoker. This, to some, is like reading the confessions of a wine enthusiast and discovering midway through that his drink of choice is Lancers, but so be it”.
The interesting thing about this quote is that until tonight I’d never heard of Lancers. Upon finding their website, all I can say is there’s some cheesy music playing and it’s not an experience I long to repeat (although I’m still jamming out to the music, which is oddly Transport Tycoon-esque). This got me thinking, what are the wines which the wine snob would never be caught dead enjoying. Well, this list isn’t one of them, as any wine snob should enjoy what follows (and it’s not a wine, thus disqualifying it).
The Top 5 Embarrassing Wines (For a Snob)
5. Blue Nun: This sugary German white dons the shelves of almost every grocery store across the country. It is simple, unassuming, cheap, and well, sweet. That’s about all there is to say about it, besides that it’s not present in my wine collection, but then again, a quick trip to Safeway could remedy that.
4. [yellow tail]: Potentially the most successful wine brand in the United States, [yellow tail] was especially prevalent during my stint at a four year university in the south. Perhaps this is because their website used to display a dry to sweet scale, with many reds falling on the sweet side. Unfortunately it seems this has been removed, and let it be known I was on the [yellow tail] website purely for business purposes. Truth be told, I have never once tasted a [yellow tail] wine, which prevents them from making it any higher on this list for ethical reasons.
3. Arbor Mist: I admit to having once purchased Arbor Mist (I believe it was the “pinot noir” flavor), but if memory serves me correct, it was consumed after a heavy metal concert with the same non-wine friend who inspired this article. This wine “beverage” almost didn’t make this list because it’s just that – a beverage, not a wine. At this point I’m ashamed it’s taken up so much space on this blog.
2. Carlo Rossi: After having visited the Carlo Rossi website (don’t say I don’t research), I nearly keeled over in laughter. Of course, wine snobs never laugh, so that didn’t happen. The item which struck me as humorous is their claim, “Pruning, weeding, cultivating… that’s hard work, but that’s why our wines taste different.” I suppose whoever drives the tractor through enormous Central Valley vineyards which are likely cropped at 20 tons per acre might break a sweat. This wine is made to be cheap, not special, I’d rather they just embrace the insanely cheap buzz which many receive from this beverage on a weekly basis. Oh, and bonus for still making a white wine called “Chablis”, which has ruined the image of this great French Chardonnay region for decades (not to mention “Chianti”, “Burgundy” and “Rhine”).
1. Any white zinfandel: This is an obvious choice for the number one spot on the list. No wine in the history of our country has been more popular by the general public or more hated by wine snobs. As the story goes, we owe the invention of this beverage more aptly referred to as alcoholic fruit juice to an “accident” at Sutter Home in Napa when their attempt at rescuing the saigneé juice from their [red] zinfandel experienced a stuck fermentation. Now it’s more likely that over-cropped Central Valley zinfandel is thrown into a press and inoculated, only to have fermentation halted by an addition of sorbic acid, leaving behind plenty of sugar. The color is then perfected by adding a touch of red wine to the base, making a consistently putrid product every year.
Due to my extreme snobbishness, there is likely a worthwhile wine which has been left off this list. Please let the Terroirists and the world know, what is the one wine you would not be caught dead drinking?
Posted by stevenwashuta 
